Life, Music

The Key to Perfection: A life Longevity Of Solitude-Narscassism, Perfectionism, O.C.D. ; The Struggle Part II


“The artist stands on the human being as a statue does on a pedestal. ”
Novalis, Novalis: Philosophical Writings     


….cause I am not. You are lucky I have the gift of Art, I am unlucky for not having the gift of writing artificially. Artificial Artist? You guys really asked for it. I checked out my stats and it stated I had 7 Followers I believe, humiliating as this sounds I do not even know if that number is correct because I still do not have the slightest clue how to use WordPress, my apologies for not keeping up with all you social network experts. The funny part was that it stated for me to “blog” about my Trophies, I kind of laughed, I won’t dedicate a blog to it, rather a mention because I was shocked to not see a big fat ZERO hahaha. Seriously, I was expecting to embrace the zero instead I am very thankful to those who actually take the time to read my nonsense that comes out making sense. Imagine if I actually knew how to use this, maybe I would even have a few more, excluding my parents, sibling, hahaha who am I kidding? I do not speak to them, they are the reason I Blog in the first place, I do not think they would want to see this. They would be embarrassed, so would I. Moving Along now…..


I noticed something, Artists are really kind of discriminated, loved, loved to be hated, hated to be loved, put on pedestals, weird, perfectionists, engulfed in beauty and poets of their own self portrait. One thing I know about them, and who they truly are is not artificial, they are strong. It is as though they are born with having to live broken-hearted, deranged, deprived, lost, but creative and destructive yet they are no harm to the people of this world. Yet, people are so infatuate and fascinated by artists, entertained by them, enthralled in their lavish mystery they do not merely attempt to convey, they write the story of their lost soul. The companion that once filled them with joy, the pain in their art reaches out to many yet those many are the ones that seem as though they are friends but really make a mockery of the artist.  The Artist is in a Silent War with the World , I know my pure intention of my work, it does not stop until I end this War, who would want do that, I haven’t even began to see blood, decapitated enemies, and my army of once soldiers who became warriors.

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The Silent War against the whole world ends when I say it ends, when my victory is actually the death and decay of all the self-destructive Egos I gave credit to for my work. That is not being artificial or senseless, it is the process of learning to accept oneself. In life, I could be mistaken but is it not what we are kind of all hear for? To learn who we are and to accept oneself. Truth be told we must all be condemned and suffer for the way we go about it. The ones who are brave enough to go on the Journey Of truth. We must make mistakekes in life, many of them. I mean, how else will we try anything new or learn? You don’t, instead you will remain tagging along with the crowd.

2060_julia trotti

I chose the path of solitude because people thought I was weird and crazy for believing and pursuing a musical career. You know what, they are absolutely right, it is crazy. But you know what is even crazier? Sitting there waiting for things to happen and not pursuing your life long dream. Why the F are we here then? I don’t know you tell me you AS%&*#@.

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I designed this, do not copy, not yours. MINE!!! hahaha Yeah, this is a self-portrait of how I see myself in Call of Duty, we all like to tell ourselves things but its sexy that’s all that matters.


Sorry, had to get that off my chest. That felt great. Either way, I know I am a loser, I always have been a loser but one thing I am not nor ever will be is a failure.

I did kinda fail at one thing, oh my god I cannot believe I am saying this. Ok, here it goes. I let someone go, I took it for granted because of my narsassism, so do not do what I did. Being narcasstic, sorry, an in recovery narcissist does not really get you anywhere, especially feelings. You come off as someone who does not have a heart, who is shallow, who is obsessed with themselves, who does not have feelings, who is incapable of love. Yeah, the whole acting thing really paid off until someone came along that I felt this feeling, it was a feeling of every time I saw them I felt this fluttering feeling. I did not know what the feeling meant, that is how retarded narcissistic people are, I am not joking, they have to just do the whole, “wait a minute, am I feeling something here, Ok, I am actually feeling something, what is this feeling I am feeling?” Then we run away like a flock of seagulls when someone just as even walks towards us, my god, when will we learn?

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Wow, I do not even know if I can come to terms with the fact I am writing about those “feelings”, my god if he ever read this. He would know exactly who I am referring to. Himself, Why? He actually knows me too well, better then I know myself, that is scary. Of course I ran away, first I did, then he did. Why, CAUSE HE KNOWS ME TOO WELL AND IT KINDA PISSES ME OFF. Geez, I write about him in my music, I think about him, I am influenced by him. I do not know what this means but it makes me sad that we no longer speak I know this sounds so bad but I cry about him not being here. I really hope he does not have this Blogging utility, turns out he is a writer himself, artistic, very poetic, good looking. Shut up Brain!!! I really hope this does not go viral on me. I like trouble but not this kind of trouble if you know what I mean. I am simply putting this in terms that it is strikingly overwhelming when you meet someone that is the exact same as you.  You both feel you have already met before but are in this lifetime but all of a sudden lifetimes change into past lives, these past lives make sense even though you cannot make sense of them only with that person and then POOF…….they’re gone.

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This feeling of course did not occur till god knows when, took a while, I mean being conceited and all, thinking about ones own interests and in Recovery Narcissist and all. The Feeling of loss. It is not a good feeling, in fact, it tears you apart, it is something you live with everyday. I do not know myself, I have no idea who I am. That is okay, that is why we are here, to learn and accept who we are but for some reason I felt the gift of acceptance in myself when I was around this person, I felt….I wont say it. Too much for me to actually say because…….it hurts.

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I am not one to go and chase after someone, if they want to be left alone I leave them alone. I respect the gift of free will so I do that in return, I will not force people to do something they don’t feel comfortable doing. I let them go because that would be selfish of me to not allow them to make their own decisions. So I made my own decision, a longevity of solitude because I was being a stupid kid. Literally. This is what happens when you think your all that and a bag of smarties, then reality hits you and you realize that wasn’t smart, that was stupid. You wonder if they still think of you, you wonder all sorts of things. I live with that everyday I hate to admit. It sucks. How do I live? Well, the only way I have ever known to was to keep on pursuing my goals and dreams. But the question of the century for me is, when you are rewarded with accomplishing all your dreams and goals, will it feel great when you have know one to share it with? I don’t know, you tell me.

Lonely is all I know, it is all I have ever been, didn’t matter how many people I have or are around. It is not the same without…that one…..

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