Life, Music, Uncategorized

O.C.D. NARCASSISM, PERFECTION, ADHD-I Thought I told You I was Trouble-The Struggle PART III

385938_10152640662960294_1425893514_n“The fearful seek to serve themselves by mastering the world, while the fearless seek to serve the world by mastering themselves.”
Eric Micha’el Leventhal

D’S Message and a word from the wise (a.k.a. me, duh).

So part III, I cannot believe I am writing all this. I have a lot coming to all the “Mastery” little majority in this world. I have a lot to say to you, I would love to say it to your face, in fact, I will. But in the meantime let me just begin slowly, very slowly because too much should not be said, I like to slow roast the pigs. (What? It is longer process and great anticipation). I don’t mean this literally, I would not do things like that to a human yet alone an animal. I have a lot more respect, love, and deep connection with animals than human beings. You know those human beings that I am speaking of, the ones who do not think they are human, they themselves refer to as “animals”. Wow, do not compare yourself to the pure and natural, you are from it, poor animals being compared to the “Living Dead”. Witches, Goblins, Witchcraft, Black Magic, Voo Doo, Celebrity Hollywood “Stars”, yes I am discussing all this crap that has perpetrated overly hyped up phenomena’s, trends, social media, Media Culture and the decay of our society as human beings. I am ashamed, humiliated, and disgusted at how we have inherited Our planet Earth into a Wasteland. Call me a tree hugger, activist, loser I do not give a s%*#. I am not any of those things, so quick to be defensive and label me like a Can Of Soup. Yeah labels these days are sure a trend I mean yeah the way Social Media and the Industry has become is the equivalent to a can of soup, a label with a name with no content, substance, and lacks flavour. natures_tears_2-wallpaper-2048x1152 butterflies_art-t2

You guys are so cool, I wish I had the intelligence of ignorance, greed, and 12 year old manipulation skills as you. What I would do to become part of your Groups that are so secret and hidden that you yourself put the word secret to shame. Spooky stuff I am telling you, seriously guys do not be afraid of those with Severe mental Illness.

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Our society has become inactive due to all case in set form of the older generation, I am speaking of those kids whom were born in the 80’s, tyrannical. My god, either gifted or depleted, no in between. Then the significant children born in the 90’s era are suffering, those are the children that are torn but are too afraid to speak up. They are the children who know far too much then so needed, they are the children without being granted youth but in return fed with the crap that came from generations back all intergraded into a lump of S%$t put together and out came all these phenomenon’s. All you cowards out there, when I meet you I am going to slap you, a nice big slap in the face with a nice little stamp of my paw print. Either physically or metaphorically, either way, a nice slap because you know what? let me tell you something that is more powerful then manipulation, more powerful then propaganda, even more powerful then occultism and the school of Hogwarts, money, fame, mind control, programming, the devil, “The fallen Ones”, the “Watchers”, Internet, Force, Violence………..You know what it is??? THE TRUTH!!!!! The truth is a very powerful tool, I know crazy right? We all know it but have a distaste for it, the truth means nothing to people who have lost their sense of consciousness, but it sure stops them in their tracks when they are faced with it.

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I am no martyr, I am no activist, I am no celebrity, I am not anything. I am not a label, I am short of that, I lack the essence of no substance and flavour in the ingredients to making a barely Alive Barely Human Doll in the illusion of self and Ego that is formulated in the world of social media and entertainment industry. All these girls suffering mentally and emotionally throughout the struggling prominent years of adolescence being fed, “Your not skinny enough”, “Your hair should be colored blonde because guys like that better”, “Your not cool if you don’t try drugs”, “Your too short, your too tall.”…..I feel and see these struggles in young girls, torn, not having self identity I mean how can they when they are surrounded with teachers who hate their jobs, they spend more time with these teachers then their own parents, it tears family apart and your stuck 6-8 hours a day with this reality of peer pressure and grades. As if grades matter when you feel accepted by the most popular girl in school and get invited to her sleepover. What do grades mean when that guy you had a crush on never even knew your name all of a sudden he notices you and asks to hang out with you? What the hell does it mean then?

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It means nothing….

It means an opportunity to fill that void inside you because you lack recognition, you are deprived of love, harmony, and robbed of self-worth. I will tell you this, I am a young girl, I wont give my age away but was not long ago at all that I was in High School, it was not long ago that maybe this occurred to me, in fact, I haven’t grown up. I fight and sustain my Youth, that is something you cannot take away from me. I was robbed of all things love, I was disciplined to act a certain way, I feared my fathers worth for me and his approval all my life, I went out of my way to please everyone, In school no guy ever paid any attention to me yet I would hear girls talk and laugh about how they had a boyfriend. I am a painfully shy person, I have not been the type to give myself up to anyone or any guy because if there is one thing I hold moral value to is my self-respect and dignity when it comes to my body. I cannot believe I am telling you this, it is just so hard for me to, my shyness is so distressing.

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I have so much to say, I always have, I felt like know one wanted to listen, they wouldn’t. So you know what I did? I self-destructed because by no ends or means did I feel loved, at 18 years of age I had my first and pretty much only boyfriend. I went out with a guy I did not like, one that my parents approved, if they were happy it meant no distressful moments for D. (Me) Aside from that, my disgusting boyfriend whom I wanted to choke from the very beginning told me he loved me the second time we hung out. I know, how loved and cherished I felt by someone I already disliked and little did he know me. I knew he was a perfect candidate to walk around with, his politeness that was so convincing I think he himself put authenticity to shame, his looks tall, handsome, very charming, witty, kind, polite, his humour was loved by many until someone with a brain could clue in to the lack of content and sitcom style it had, just senseless. To me he was tall, ugly, fake, and more fake. He made fake look real ill give him that. Hey, that takes talent guys, lets give this meatball some recognition. I was always so depressed and sick, I made myself more thinner, more makeup, more hair, more fake eyelashes, more fake tanning, more drinking, more clothes, more gambling, more coming home late and only been able to get away with it, barely because of my disgusting boring boyfriend, more distaste for him, more arguing, more put downs about me, more liking other guys and talking to them behind his back, more terrible attacks and comments about me from him, more arguing, more tears and breakdowns alone in my basement at night, more me not being able to fight back when he would tell me what to do in front of his friends, more cheating on him by kissing cute guys behind his back but wanting nothing more from them even though they wanted to sleep with me I just wanted to kiss a cute guy and said bye, more sleepless nights, more cosmetic procedures done to my face at the age of 18 I started, more botox, more injections, more voids to fill, more abuse, more telling me I was not attractive and breaking it down to, “I am done with you.” Literally leaving me on the side of the road crying, feeling so pathetic and ashamed, so worried everyone would know and find out and oh my god, my parents, they cannot find out. How long could I keep this secret from them, how did I work, how did I survive? I didn’t, I self destructed. I wanted to be the cool kid for once, so you know what I did? I did just what all the cool Super Stars were doing because screw being myself, I don’t get heard, nobody likes me, let me dabble myself in substances that will take me away from this mess I call reality. Yeah in fact, let me put reality to shame and make it my own you disgusting boyfriend and my god the friends I had, were just like him, put me down everyday but yet wanted to hang out with me everyday. Friend #1 would get angry if they found out Friend #2 and I hung out, Friend #5 &#6 were having a party that I only would attend to keep up appearances but oh no friend #3 & #4 want me to come over and listen to their problems. Then Friend #8 was the cute guy who wouldn’t leave me alone and threatened to tell everyone we made out and so on. My life was havoc, that turning point in your life you realize for a second on the flashback of events that were spirraling so fast all of a sudden in slow motion you see the faces, the faces of every single one of those people that made you feel like you had nothing to offer but you gave everything to them. And for what?

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I began turning numb for the first time in my life, I was somehow waking up going to work, driving there, driving back and not realizing I did that till I got home. I was lonely now because I did not want to be around fake. I hated them, I wanted them to fill the emotional regression I held back, I never stood up for myself once in my life during that time. My parents to, screw them, where are you dad? Out of town working I don’t know when you are coming back. I said to myself, I need an escape now before I die. So what I did, I wrote a prophecy dedicated to my death but before this death, I was going to do anything and everything I had wanted to do that everyone told me not to, I was going to escape, I was going to do anything and everything I wanted to do before I died because I knew this legacy of mine was going to lead to death because I was playing a very dangerous game. Death was not what scared me, it was the not caring and numbness and sense of self I had lost. My life legacy was destined for death I just wanted to say, “Hey, I said it and did.” To speak my mind to all those who made me feel like everything I felt in my heart meant nothing to them to know the truth. Life legacy is continued because this part is too intense for me right now, I need to breath. Let’s just say, for a young girl, I had no youth, It was taken away by Hollywood because it was the only way I could feel that senseless love, that senseless state of mind I thought during the time was real. No, nothing about it is, the next part is dedicated to all those “feminist” artists who say, ” I am just human like everyone else, I make mistakes to, why should I be seen as a role model, that is not fair.” Well start fu$%*#ng acting human bit#$S, the things I have dedicated to say to you will for sure be heard. I am sorry, I am going to go and cry now because I supressed all this and more..I promise to continue it I am just to overwhelmed with sharing this to the world. I know I am not the only one who has felt this way, I want to save these girls that feel this way but first I had to fix myself…before my death……

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