Life, Music

O.C.D., NARCISSISISM, PERFECTIONISM, ADHD, &…-THE STRUGGLES PART IV- MAKE SOME NOIZE

GR-alRpuySy8ApZv_nc02nRTXdO3EC0IYPFdsNJo9Hknice_4-t2“You have to learn the rules of the game. And than you have to play better then anyone else”

                                                                                     -Albert Einstein

I like being judged by others, that is something know one really knows, I know once I explain you will understand. You guys are the one that really do understand. I am blessed to have followers, even one and at one point I believe that was the case. It means my love to you, people that take the time to read my inner most private convictions, my feelings, my battles, my good/evil, and most importantly, my truth. I still do not understand how to use this website that well but I reached you, the universal law has once again proved itself. I thank you and I am blessed for your active listening, the more I write or publish, the more engaged you seem, the braver I become to share with you the things I need others to know….including YOU!

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Moving along,

I am going to Blog more, I need that destained form of reality to which I have manifested written as a manuscript of my Purpose in this lifetime. I am going to sound crazy, I do not care, I am crazy, psychotic, looney-toon, you know what, I do not care anymore. Really, honestly, I realized…….if I am to waste my energy and thought process on the negative feelings people in this world are to have of me, I will go crazy, in fact mental. So, in conjunction to this epiphany finally creeping in and forming my progression in this new transition I am accepting everything about myself.

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I am learning the cognitive pattern of internal progressions of our thought process and how we put ourselves so down to the point that we believe, once we get to that pinnacle point it manifests when the irony of all of this crap you said to yourself wasn’t ever true. Stupid when you think about it, silly hey? Unfortunately this is the dead silence we suffer, bottle up, and consume ourselves in. We do not feel good enough, that is my number one negative feeling I get the most running through my veins because of wanting to please and impress others, Disgusting is it not? Nah, it is a lot better to feel needed or wanted then it is to feel alienated right? Of course!! I am being very honest, I know I am not the only person in this entire world that feels this way. I am not only speaking for myself but for the sake of humanity, for the sake of speaking up in general, I am speaking truth and truth is what we need. A big slap of truth in the face, a nice bi$%ch slap to snap out of this state of mind we have been corrupted with.

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Media has dissolved me, my mindset changes, it turns me into a slave. Why in hell do I wanna be a musician, on television, be an artist and be known? I cannot believe I am admitting this but what do I have to lose? What is there to fear, some A%#h*$le making a cunning remark stating my Blogs suck, bring it. Come on now, I am a big kid now, I can handle remarks however, I cannot handle myself.

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It has  been so difficult in this transitional period, I have been very very sad, just not feeling well at all. I lost my home, the first home that ever felt like home.  I called it “Home” , for the first time in my life , I felt safe. I come from a broken family. Lack of love, respect, acceptance, and compassion. Inside I feel at times I am dying, I want to die, I do not tell anyone really because it is very personal. It  is none of anyones business , I  suffer from lack of intimacy in relationships which is shameful for me to even speak about. Sex to me is gross, I do not care for it, I do not even  think I have a libido, or ever really did. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. What the hell is wrong with me??? Oh yeah, I am too good for that.

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I am critical about girls roaming around like slutty vultures around males scrounging for attention, I have a lot of  pride and so boastful to say, “I am  not one of those sluts.” I am so mean about it, I am malicious and laugh at them because I always have males around me whom like me but I do not like them nor do I care.  It is so fun to be mean and bring out female insecurities then  I always feel why do I do this, who am I to be such a deceitful cunning female who needs female friends  in my life, who needs friends in general. Do you think these guys are my friends? No, I have no friends. In fact, despite me not sleeping with these guys I am no different then those girls because I have to be around males to feel any type of attention.

Oh my god I cannot believe I  just revealed that

. That is the truth. Hardcore truth right there.Wow. Do you know how much I hate myself?? More my parents do! It is the core truth as to how much I hate myself and that is saying a lot. I know my parents do not like me, you know how difficult that is to accept?  You mine as well stab me in my heart because that is exactly how I feel everyday of my life, it is not something I can avoid, it is not something I can change, it is not something I can run away from. It is not even something you can learn to accept. The worst aspect of this reality is I still love my parents, despite my father choking me, despite my father beating me to the point where I was hospitalized the day before University, despite my mother telling me to shut up when I asked her why she would allow my father to choke me because she was  trying to sleep, despite the fact I had no support from them, no love, no respect, nothing but knowing everyday I lived in that cave they call home I was the biggest burden ever to live. Now that is a hard pill to swallow, you try swallowing it, I have and guess what……I choked.

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The silence……it can kill you, very slowly. I am no longer staying silent, I cannot. I want people to know the way I feel, I do not care if you care, I am not asking for sympathy,  I am not asking you for anything, I am initiating my own self-healing process of breaking my own silence and internal suffering. I WILL NOT SUFFER ANYMORE!  I am done with this, I am not in this world to be silent, if I continue to be silence I will die so guess what…not happening.

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I never had anything to say to my parents not much to prove to them, the only person that served the purpose was me. Ive been the type to set goals for myself and achieve them, it is  natural for me. I was born ambitious and motivated, I am blessed to have these rich qualities however why have I been cursed with no support?

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 Where were my mom and dad when I needed them, where are they now that I need them? It hurts so much to be destroyed by those that have brought you in this world but want you gone , what a mind f$%k. I have felt that maternal attachment and calling for my mother when certain events would happen in my life, the times when you cry so hard for longing and baffled by the hurt and pain someone has caused you, the time you know you need to cry in your  mothers arms.  I wouldn’t know what the comfort and support of being in my mothers arms would feel like, I feel so embarrassed to even mention this but I felt the feeling of having to not only cry tears of pain from someone who has hurt me  but the discomfort of knowing I could not  be in my mothers arms. I cry a lot more then people would assume from me, I come across as full of personality, happy, always laughing, serious, mature, wise,  shy, and expressionless.I have been referred to as an “enigma”. I was so angry when someone told me that, you wanna know why? I actually had to pull out a dictionary and swallow my pride because when it comes to literacy skills, writing, vocabulary, guess who everyone always asks? ME, D. THEY ASK THE D, THEY LIKE THE D. THEY KNOW D KNOWS THE D. That made no sense but you feel what I am saying?

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FOR THE FIRST TIME I HAD TO GRAB AN EFING DICTIONARY TO LOOK UP A WORD I DID NOT KNOW. Oh my god, that was vicious. Everyone thought it was funny to. You know when I was a child I would read the entire dictionary. Well it was the Garfield addition so every page had comic strips to read, all credits to Webster’s, thank you for making spelling and vocabulary fun. Anyways, so yeah, I am an effing Enigma, like what the hell? HOW? Why are their even WIKI steps on how to be an Enigma, seriously? But yeah, the as%$ole was right, that is me……THE ENIGMA. Moving forward………anways,

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My personality comes as I want it to seem to specific people, as if I am putting on a show. I choose who I want to like me, I choose  every individuals alternated  perception of myself. I know that I have mental illness, severe, it has started to show to the point that I can no longer hide it. I became disturbed  of my exposure to the public, I could no longer hide my alters, there are too many I myself cannot keep up with. I do not like labelling illnesses on myself or others, I already feel as though I have all of them. A huge part of it has to do with my  trauma, it changes you completely , the memories are always there, they cannot be forgotten. You begin with what I  like to call, the “numb” state. You do not realize the event or circumstance has occurred, it is deep in your subconscious, your not even close to the denial stage. Your sense of self has no identity, your sense of being is of no existence. You become still, silent, detached from the world, your walking on air. The world passes you by as you are floating amongst all figures of dissociation, dissociation becomes your best friend. Even for a second your subcouncious begins to feel uncomfortable with a thought or even the idea that something is not right you transcend into an abyss, you start floating away, the higher you go the more at bliss you are, a euphoric paradise of escape. You watch from above and thank God the person walking and doing all the talking is not you, you even so much as laugh at them for having to put up with life and there you are floating above not having anything to do with it. Sound familiar? That is my stages of depersonalization from Post-Traumatic Stress.

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I feel I chose to be here, I chose my plane of existence as my third-dimensional self……reluctantly. I know what it is I have to do and it really sucks because it is not an easy task. I do pray you know, I have arch Angel Micheal near me. I know, I am crazy right? Me and my “imaginary friends”, well even if he is imaginary I know he is real because I already imagined it, so much as felt him, I met Arch Angel Micheal in my meditations. I was laying on an amythest crystal bed, I saw rays of light. I was on a different dimension or plane of existence, at a higher frequency level, or as most people would imagine and believe to be an auto-body experience. I was in an array of colours through a prism, beams of white light and a shielded golden aura. It was so difficult to see at first, so bright. I began to feel such a powerful energy to which felt as though was in front of me as I laid in the beautiful amythest crystal bed, I felt overwhelmed by the intense beaming energy running through my spirit but kept aligned with the frequency as the energy felt safe, relaxing, and blissful. The prism was reflecting beams of orange, yellow, green, and was beaming like crazy, the rays of light were so bright if I were to have experienced this in 3-D I would have had a seizure. It was like a freaking disco ball only so bright I was trying to sell what the hell was in front of me because I am curious George, I saw a ray of blue, almost purple but not quite. I thought well this is interesting seeing colors I see these colors here what the hell kind of meditation is this, but then….I finally saw something ahead. I probably looked so stupid just laying like an idoit on an amythest crystal bed doing nothing but trying to see without going blind, probably kept squinting. So the prism reflected the beams of light away so I could finally make up to what I saw, very faintly but I could see a white horse. It was so far away I thought what the hell is this random meditation with rays of disco lights through a prism and a freaking white horse? I knew better not to go back to my body I mean there was stupid shit going on back there maybe at least I will experience something…….well, as soon as I even just as so much thought it was stupid I saw a the rays of blue light flashing until I could see a man walking what it would seem towards me. The white horse was gone with the beams of light but was surrounded with the golden aura as well. But this man was no ordinary man, unlike the horse I could see him. I could tell he was huge, he was surrounded by a sparkling golden light, huge massive wings, he was walking towards me, I thought oh my god, his kinda hot, “Shut up brain.” The energy was so intense I immediately began to feel this penetrating consumption of positive energy. My aura began to grow stronger, I was feeling safe, at peace, protection was coming my way. Every bit closer this “man” kept coming my spirit felt more and more at harmony. It was as if it was all too familiar, I knew this spirit. I say “man” because that was how this array of energy was presented in my image of the spirit. His eyes were covered with something, it wasn’t a mask or anything, it was like a crafted plate embellished so as if not to see, maybe this man did not have eyes. But his wings were so beautiful, I remember it so well, it was of a distinct feather and I never got to touch it or anything but could feel how pure this entire array of sprit was. As he stood in front of the foot of the bed I could really see the size of him now, I was looking up at him and was not afraid in fact I felt extremely relieved I began to cry, tears of joy and relief swept over me. I felt an abundance of love I was lacking, so much of it. Why was I not afraid, why was this okay? I felt this was all too familiar but it did not click. He walked towards me on the right hand side of the crystal bed, he kneeled down and put his hand on my right hand shoulder. I had never felt such intense energy, it was so powerful, how was I keeping up with this frequency and my spirit felt like it had no limits, my heart opened up completely and this white ray of light passed through my whole body as if recycled and washed away. There was no longer any negativity, I felt so refreshed and at bliss I smiled at him. I was not speaking out loud but we were communicating, as if our voices were transmitting telepathically but felt through our hearts. This is the best way I can explain it, it is so difficult and I am just telling you my experience, maybe those who know about Meditation and practice it can understand, I know someone out there will.

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Of course I immediately asked, “What is your name?” His hand still perfectly placed on my right hand shoulder, I did not want to leave I wanted that moment to last forever. I knew I had to go back to my physical plane of existence and I was okay with that. So calmly but could almost barely hear…..”Micheal….it is I.”…………………………”What, say that again, am I hearing M-I-…….?
“It is I, Micheal………..Micheal, Micheal, Micheal………………..”

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“Are you my spirit-guide?” I was shocked at what I heard, I was told by psychics and clairevoyances I was protected, that I was very protected but did not pay attention to much nor believed it, I remember one saying Gabriel so I was a bit disappointed for some reason because that was kind of who I was expecting, I do not know why. “With God, I am love, an example of love, truth and in truth God gives you this abundance of love, I am your Arch Angel…Micheal.”

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I began to cry tears of joy again, such relief, peace, I felt so safe, I did not feel afraid, I felt loved and that was all I needed. He only answered to me if I asked out of free will, patience, and understanding. He knew exactly what I had felt and somehow was able to bring faith and belief back into me. “Just know God’s love is always there as long as your heart is open to accept God’s love.”

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“Your faith always remains, your testimony of faith to believe, remember; God, nor I, Micheal, nor those in loving spirit with open hearts and love for God shall not force anything upon you, you have the gift of free will and God does not take that away.”

I cannot write the rest, I am sorry. I am going through too much turmoil. People have to begin to understand I am not made of glass, I am not broken.

This is all a Test, there is a force that is far beyond I have ever imagined. F the force, I will show them the D. But no, I am actually being serious for once. I only entertain and humor because I cannot cope, I do not know any other way to cope because I have never felt loved. I get made fun of by someone whom I thought was a friend, a boyfriend, whatever.

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Now he tries to shame me, ridicule me because I dumped his a%^. Maybe I did not accept being beaten as a deciding factor in life, now I live to tell. He is not smart, he cannot and has been able to break me, I am strong, in fact I stronger. He has no idea what I have planned, or sorry, things just happen  I do not plan them. I hope he does not read this because S$%t is about to go down, nothing to what he has imagined or thought. This one is way more epic then the way I have gotten back from my caregivers whatever they are. Do not worry, you will know once it has taken its course, it is VERY SOON.

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