Ω PERFECT ∇
Why has everything so far been a recollection and sequence of events persisting to that of major significance. I thought I had gotten over this monster that eats inside me, I am older but feel younger. I am not speaking on behalf of maturity. I even look younger, I pertained innocence in this melicious world, I am not turned on by greed and deceit.
My wisdom and knowledge have grasped the multitudes of this world that I apparently came from.
You may not believe me when I say this but I am fucking ugly, I feel it, I look it, I am it. When someone tells me I am pretty I feel as though they are confining me of mockery.
My looks are over drawn or mildly vague. I look at myself in the mirror and I am hard on my own eyes. Go ahead and laugh, it is how I feel.
I look at myself in the mirror and see this girl who once felt beautiful, who knew she was beautiful.
The person that now looks at me in shame, she calls me a fat bitch and to lose weight. “Lose weight you dumb bitch, how do you expect to be in the industry with rolls like that, ewww.”
Thats when I start to panic, I have lived my life in a solitary state anyways, I confine myself to multi-faceted delusional alter states of mind to feel right.
The binging, the purging, the sickness you can see through my eyes, my broken jaw, my unexplained fascination for a male role model living on edge the way I have always envisioned in my seamless corrupted mind. I have become a monster. I am a monster. I do not stop until I obtain that goal. It does not matter how much pain, how malnourished, how much binging, how much denotation of myself. It is the horrifying yet systematically glorified moment, when you achieve those results you have been dying to aim for, that 30 seconds in heaven.
The 30 seconds is suddenly up and you swear you see a bit of a roll on that little dress you worked months and months and months to fit in.
Then you go out to the event and you think you look great I mean everyone is staring and then you see that girl who is just 10 pounds lighter than you maybe even a bit shorter. It is not envy you feel, in fact, your proud of her, you respect the fact that she was able to achieve just those 10 pounds less than you and she still has it together even though we catch eye to eye, I glimpse at her, she glimpses at me and nods.
“Its not easy.” she nods the gesture, she is with her boyfriend and still maintains a solid smile even though she is dying on the inside. Her boyfriend is ignoring her, on the phone consistently coming in and out of the lounge, ahh….illegal it is, his profession I mean.
She looks so perfect though still as she watches her boyfriend slipping away further and further, in and out he comes. She greets, she smiles, still with immaculate composure.
Now I came solo but I was part of the event but because she was so perfect it was fascinating watching her greet and smile, her beautiful Jovani Dress her boyfriend bought her because he thought buying her the dress was a justification going back and forth to deal cocaine. Money, power, greed, and they all come with those same girls, ever so perfect. Majority of them, strongest women you will ever encounter, not using their own boyfriends for drugs, too perfect to do that. They love the drug dealer boyfriend for who he is, but they want the trophy to.
He comes back and looks happy, cheery, and starts putting his arm around his girlfriend and kisses her. It looked too perfect, the photographer who was there caught that moment because it was her only moment she felt like she could maybe shine. Her boyfriend was high, I could tell. He needed his status card freeway to feel masculine and dominant, here he has a beautiful girl that had never been loved, he starts to buy drinks for everyone, his on a roll. Even though the beautiful girl doesn’t drink he asks everyone there, even me, as he asks me he gives me this look. I quickly turn my head away, “No, thank you.”
Still staring at me he speaks to the bartender and I see him come to me with a drink. His girlfriend suddenly went from perfect to shattered, not out of jealousy, out of pure humiliation and shame. If she couldn’t even be good enough for someone she had accepted for who he was then how could she ever except herself. The look of embezzlement on her face, I felt the pain, I felt her heart shatter, no tears, just that look of numbness like its happened before, why should I be shocked or expect anything else.
Even if she was to say something to him which she was too perfect to do something like that, he would call her clingy and obsessive. She had this look of defeat. “Here, please have a drink, I am not leaving you out.”
I got very angry, I wanted to psychically hurt him, “Fuck you ugly asshole, instead of asking every scumbag just like yourself in this lounge, why haven’t you given a drink to the only attractive person in this place which is your girlfriend, let alone some attention. I don’t drink and I don’t accept anything from bums, fuck off, leave me alone you creep.”
Everything went silent, I didn’t care, it made me very angry.
He looked at me bewildered and confused.
“Are you retarded, when I say leave me alone, I meant walk away. Do not dare some close to me fucking bitch.”
His girlfriend broke, started running away. She didnt want the public to see her dilemma, she did not want people to know that he was cheating on her, he was a liar, he just cared about status, money, power, would leave her stranded to go and hang out with his buddies and get high, sell and go to the strippers and would buy a lap dance but would make excuses that he did not have enough money to take her out. This was the only day he finally did, I shot and rained on her every so unrealistic but close to a moment where she maybe felt a bit special.
Everyone just stared at me confused, wide-eyed, I was disgusted. I shoved the boyfriend and ran after this girl, I wanted to help her. It was okay if she cried in front of me, she needed someone to tell her that she was amazing and just her presence alone, as she walks into any room, event, party she would bring it to life, made heads turn.
I ran to the where she was headed, the women s room. I saw her just staring at herself in the mirror, no tears, no emotion. I was about to cry out everything I felt and saw that was beautiful and immaculate about her until I came out of dissociation and also came back to something I still fathom presently, reality. I looked at myself in the mirror, thinking, “At least I look perfect.”
Tearless yet wrecked and relentlessly damaged two girls came in stared, even though they knew I was just 10-15 pounds lighter then them maybe just a bit shorter, they had that look. Even though they kept laughing in the stalls about how skinny they thought I was, when they thought I left the the restroom I overheard them say, “Fuck, I wish I was that fucking skinny, did you see that dress. Its JOVANI, I saw her with this tall good looking guy I think that is her boyfriend cause they kissed right and fuck I would kill to be able to fit in that dress. You know how tiny she is?”
The girl in the next stall sighed, “Yeah, I am like 3 of her. I remember when I was skinny, not that skinny but you know…average, I wish I had a boyfriend with me and I was wearing a JOVANI Dress, her dress looks so fucking expensive.”
Her friend laughed. “Uhh, that’s an $8000 dress, you don’t know JOVANI you bitch.”
Her friend was silent for a moment, “Not really, I mean Im not lucky enough to have a rich ass boyfriend who buys me everything, spoils me, and I can just eat whatever I want and not gain a pound I mean look at her, shes like anorexic looking.”
Her friend started giggling, “Oh my god she must do coke that’s why, the coke diet I mean she didn’t even have a drink, that her boyfriend was buying everyone drinks and she didn’t want it. She must starve herself and does a bunch of his coke, duh.”
They were giggling, each retort of me that much more glorified then the next, “You think they even fuck, she must fuck him a lot so she can bum coke off him, that is the only way because they arent even going out.”
They started laughing hysterically, “Ok, I haven’t told you this but I was having a smoke outside and her “boyfriend” comes up to me and asks for my number, I said okay, kinda creepy but his good looking none the less. His like Babe you do party favours, I said sometimes, now his texting me babe what you doing tonight, lets hang out, I find you fucking sexy. I said what about your girlfriend, he said what girlfriend, oh that “thing” isn’t my girlfriend.”
“Wow, what a fucking loser. That is so funny, I kinda feel bad for her…well, no not really. Shes skinny so, something to hate on, I would feel bad if she wasnt. Shes you know almost……like…to….shes too perfect.”
“I agree and shes just that “type” you know, the miss good girl next door, perfect face, hair, body, probably in college studying getting good marks, kinda boring they usually are. But holy shes tiny that dress looks AMAZING on her, “perfect.”
I wasn’t shocked in fact I felt relieved, I stayed near the women’s rest rooms, they had no idea I was listening the whole time. It was the perfect moment to let out the beast that knew how to touch that hot button leaving those deranged, wounded, and teaching them a life lesson. They were speed walking and immediately saw me, they were in shock. I stared back, emotionless.
I smiled that sinister sadist smile, “You both are fat fucking bitches that come to every bar in the city to just get some guy to lie to you and tell you that your pretty, when in reality your easy, you put out, and your vagina is so filthy and saggy you infested whores.”
“Ok listen, what did we do wrong to you?” The one who was brave enough to even speak was the one of course who wasn’t text messaging the boyfriend.
“Nothing, and that is exactly what BOTH OF YOU are going to do, listen you fat bitch.”
I immediately gazed over at the fatty, with glaring eyes, emotionless yet dark, my blood was rushing, the fear coming out of her just fed into my rage that much more.
“He fucks with girls heads just like yours, targets the fat ones who are morbidly obese, which would of course be you just to get a rise and I dared him to do that to you. We get a thrill of the fatty and trash that come infested with STD’s lurking all over the city because we got class, your ugly, your fat, answer me this, YOU ACTUALLY THINK FOR A SECOND YOU WOULD GET SOMETHING OUT OF HIM, REALLY, A FAT BITCH LIKE YOU?”
Her friend started shaking and tears immediately swept across the overweight girls face, showed no mercy, “ANSWER ME YOU FAT BITCH, DO I NEED TO FEED YOU CHEETOS TO GET AN ANSWER OUT OF YOU, DUMB FUCKING FAT WHORE.”
My rage was about ready for blackout, I thought I need to lock myself in a room, I am going to hurt her, I will hurt her. Oh god, its coming its coming, I am going to pyschially hurt her I cant, I cant…….
“IM SORRY IM SO SORRY, I WASNT ACTUALLY GOING TO DO ANYTHING LISTEN IM DELETING HIS NUMBER OFF MY PHONE RIGHT NOW, PLEASE LOOK AND SEE FOR YOURSELF, IM EVEN GOING TO BLOCK HIM….”
She was right, he did call her babe, told this fatty she was beautiful.
“I DON’T NEED YOU TO DO IT IN FRONT OF ME I CANT STAND EVEN BEING NEAR FAT, YOUR HARD ON MY EYES, YOU KNOW THE REPERCUSSIONS IF YOU EVEN TRY, GO AHEAD TELL THE FEDS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. You don’t know who you are fucking with you fat bitch.” I started laughing hysterically, they both ran out of the lounge. I fell to the floor, weak and pull of pain, it rained and poured all over my body.
Little did they know I was acting and putting on a show to mask those million shattered pieces hidden in that big net of no self love, no love at all.
This wasnt new so I just pretended like I had no idea, I cannot show emotion, I must remain composure. Crying Is for the weak. I saw a slight rip near the side of my dress, my hip region. Now who is the fat fuck, I immediately started to panic but wait, I could control this. I grabbed my purse and popped more then what was recommended. I hadnt really eaten so I went back to the restroom to freshen myself up, conceal my wounds in losing myself in the mirror. The illusion was much more interesting, in 5 min immediately everything began to wash away. A group of girls came in stared at me just as though they were lost, mesmerized, and fascinated by the perfection of the makeup, the look, the dress, the hair. “Wow, nice dress. You look fucking awesome. Your so freaking tiny, I wish I could fit in that dress.” I acted modest and shy, smiling, “Oh, thank you, but honestly don’t wish that because I just found out that it was so tight on me, I mean look at this hole!” I don’t know how I always found ways to seem so innocent, modest, shy, simple, so kind, It was pity for them.
“Oh no girl, let me see.” She did not grab the material or anything because she knew it was of value and she had somewhat respect for me. “Oh its a quick fix your too tiny to have caused a whole in it, have you looked closely, look in the mirror, you’ll see what I mean.”
I was so distracted by my own appearance I didnt even look at the severity of how big the hole was, I felt like it might have been weight gain but the moment I looked I was in shock. “Girl, your hipbone is sticking out, you have a scratch, must have bumped into something sharp as you were running towards the ladies room, you sure your okay?”
I couldnt believe everyone saw and heard everything that went on, my hear sunk. I could barely swallow the words could barely come out of my mouth I somehow remained composure, I smiled what projected so effortlessly “Yes, I am fine, I just get massive panic attacks, repricoussions from a really bad car crash I was in this Spring and I am telling you, this happens all the time, at the most random places, I mean I was at this thrift store the other day, and cause I am so cheap I saw the best deals, I was about to pay for my stuff and I ran out of the store to my cousins vehicle panting breathing so heavily, he had to give hand him the money, blah blah blah,………”
“You poor thing, hey my aunt got into a bad accident lots of trauma, but geez not near death experience like yours I just wanna give you a hug girl.” Without even thinking about how expensive the dress was and my story, the girl and her friends all came at me trying to hug me, I resisted and it was too foreign for me. “Sorry…i uhhh im frantic right now and feel overwhelmed I need to take my anti anxiety I am so sorry I gotta go.”
“Oh my sorry girl, you go and do that we are here for you if you need anything okay?”
I didnt reply to them, no need for that, my anxiety was unbearable, everything and everyone was moving all too fast. The fix kicked in and I needed my anti anxiety so I took it out of the bag quickly and popped it before I had to deal with my next battle, I popped it feeling an instant flow of edging off release, the feeling of overbearing thoughts flush down not too quickly, and too slow. The cooling feeling I felt in my chest and I walked up the stairs, just as I had thought, there he was. The look on his face as my death wish laid upon me. I acted as though nothing happened, postured myself with poise and non authentic striking confidence, I had this elegance in my stance, the way I walked, I gave him that smile of resilience. The smile that washes everything away, he was about to say something I stopped him without saying a word, just a look. I knew, he knew, we both knew that every single guy was staring at me wishing they were him, every girl had that glare hating their boyfriends or their targets to get lucky with just staring at me, “starstruck”.
He could not say anything from that point because its what we both loved, the status, the attention, it was a turn on at the fact of the matter of the whole aspect of the entitlement. There was no attraction ever in those vain moments. Very very vain. He was high and money thrilled, I was thrilled that he craved the power and even better, I won his time. like a gentlemen, he reached for my hand, held it, the warmth of his hand and that look that he was so proud I was his, it didn’t matter to me if I was a trophy, I had that 30 seconds of heaven I had craved,walking out as if on the runway with that bold striking look on my face when I had felt like 30 seconds of rush, it half smile half emotionless, a tease, that killer walk, every head turning, My moment of glory as I walked out the moment I was outside I felt that emptiness, I did noy feel so pretty no more. Never once did he tell me how good I looked in that dress, his phone rang, the usual, “Yeah, yeah im just leaving this stupid fucking place now ill be there in 15 min.”Turning on the ignition we left and he went back to his usual normal self angry, coming down needing more otherwise I could be ruined.
He looked at me as though kind of starting. Was he going to say it I lit up. He quickly looked away as if caught, “Dont ever bring me to these places again ok, you know I don’t like it.” I gave him that smile, he couldn’t help but smile back took my hand and kissed it, “You look beautiful babe, you look fucking sexy, I cant wait to take that dress of you, not sure which way you look better.” I pulled off that smile so well with the hurt inside, “Thank you, your the one with the good taste.” I was not turned on at all by him, I was disgusted. He had no idea, just how perverse he was acting towards me,The fact that he could not resist me because of liking me since childhood and 10 years later finally being able to have me, he could not give it up, I was the only one that could convince him anything.
“Well your the only one that could fit in such a dress, fat girls would be so envious of you in it wishing they were you. I am the luckiest guy.”
He held my hand, he was either too high or his ego was that inflatted to sense the coldness and empitiness, the resenemnt I felt towards him. This wasnt the first time, I knew this yet I still kept composure. I even tested the waters because even though he was stingy I did not want to face another hell HOME, and I was willing to do anything to avoid it. My parents hated me more then abyone in this world. There was more bullying at home then any lounge, event or even school I attended. I convinced him to stay at a hotel and would split, he was whining and bitching then agreed, I knew he would.
He tried to come on to me so I pretended to fall asleep, I knew he was itching but it didn’t matter cause little did he know, I took scissors to that dress and massacred it, just like he did with my heart, just like everyone else did.
Ah, I thought, away from home, my revenge, my rage, I got my way. My eyes began to get heavy I knew I was sleeping to slumber to worries, I did it, perfect.
My wish was to dream of the one he hated the most because it was one that I let go and felt anything for, the only thing that gave me the incentive to go to sleep to dream of him .Didn’t matter what type of dream it was as long as he was there and not this person laying by my side.
Perfection was the only thing I felt like I could control about myself, but where was the love?
I laid my head to rest and my eyes fell with ease, the feeling of him being in my dreams that night was the closest thing to love, if we were once again embracing each other, that look that he would give me, the look of admiration and appreciation of beauty, I felt beautiful around him, only him.
It was the dissociation of paradise for I no longer had to be perfect for he gave me what know one else in this world could and could ever offer……love. A dream slowly started creeping over me, peace,