Alchemist, Life, Magic, magik, Tragic Love

I am…….MEtAtRON (Bi$%#s) WHAT NOW?- Re-Born Legend (Part I)

I had a vision, I felt the knocking, it would not stop. The voice shouted, “What are you afraid of?” I stood up trembling, weeping, ready for the death. I walked slowly the the door, growing fainter, the cold rush freezing more and more as I got nearer. The door seemed far from where I was, or so it seemed. The keys, I could not forget those, I rushed back without thinking, rather feeling. The knock this time did not terrify me, for this knock was not one of the unjust. I walked still slowly, the momentum kept me curious, what was I to lose? There was nothing to lose, there was all to gain. Some other unfamiliar but warm energy had knocked this time. “I deserve love.” I shouted. “I deserve my power back, that to which has been taken from me, that which belongs to me shall be given back and more, do not forsaken me.” Tears streaming down my face, I could not fathom what was actually in the midst of this moment for which I could not believe I had been chosen. “My door is open, come in, you are welcome.” The light embarked so brightly at just the creek of the opening to my door. “It is now, you know your calling, shall you choose to come to the light and leave the darkness?” I could not see who was there, I knew with my knees trembling the light to which very few are able to see. “I AM READY, I am to complete the purpose to that of enlightenment, for the collective, I am part of the solution, I authorize and have the power to be begot those who are part of the problem, they serve me no purpose. I will shed thy light from within so that all SHALL SEE, even the blind, if so they choose.” The door opened completely. The light filled inside of me, the hand took me, all I needed were my 3 keys, that is all I took. Wherever I was going, wherever this was all leading to, I knew. For I knew, I felt from every cell of my body, the other half as well, this was profound. “LOVE AWAITS YOU, IN ABUNDANCE AND PROSPERITY, VICTORY IN YOUR ENDURANCE, PEACE IN YOUR WAKING, AND MANY BLESSINGS.” I could see again, I could not remember the last time I could, most importantly, I was REBORN.


I smiled.


I cannot remember the last time I smiled.


I did not remember this.


Now My Soul is infinite.


Oh Father, you saved me.

“Dearest One, you know thy word, it is written, what is yours?”

Well, I do not have one as of this moment. I can declare that it is that which reflects you father.


“Creation, build, just be. What are your intentions?”


To be an example of love.


“From what I have taught you, life, which is the best teacher from down there, you have learned. Will you teach what I have tested you with, will you remember, will you forget me?”


I have learned father. I still have more work to do through the teaching of life, to which you have created. I keep building thus empire, I am the EMPEROR.


“Not so fast and potent now, an EMPEROR, now that is a seth if not profound self disciplinary position and role. You are of that essence, can you be the example?”

Yes, even through fear, even in all this which is, I am strong. I am building my Empire, thy put together the foundation to which I plant the seed. The seed will grow into the structure of the order, it to shall fruit and branch off of one another.


“You are clever, do you not know thy shadow. Do you not know your inner workings, have you been loyal, yes. You do as the inner working have written. You do that, you will reap rewards, it is not time of play, you have work to do, plenty.”

What is it you so indicate father?



“I weep not for you, but for what is to come. You cannot go back, if you surrender to your purpose, you will not make it. I weep because I know, I know so well that this purpose, in this lifetime, is one of thy shadow through the exit, you must embrace your shadow so that you may heal.”leahmia0043da

What is it that I need healing. Father I have healed.


“The outer workings of the external lie and continue to confuse you, you are not blind. I took you up with me so that you can remember. You have not, It is not expected, not unexpected. Choose wisely at love, unconditional love. This is your last chance at love, so choose wisely. The set one and the scorn one. You will know for it is of the inner workings that must be learned. Joyful or not, you must obtain. I must deliver you to which you chose to consolidate your workings, you may go from there. We are always watching you.”


ENTROPY- e.t.c. If Love Had Logic (Embrace.The.Chaos)


Source: ENTROPY- e.t.c. If Love Had Logic (Embrace.The.Chaos)

Life, LOVE has NO logic, Tragic Love

ENTROPY- e.t.c. If Love Had Logic (Embrace.The.Chaos)






∇ Embrace.The.Chaos. 


Pain. The feeling of Love and Hope, embracing the fall. My death wish is sentenced by the inability of the inevitable shattered glass heart I may perpetuate.



 “Automatic Suicide”—> You die beneath the surface of all the people whom once seemed familiar, they become dead to you. There is a part of you that is there, the other is not coming back, everyone knows….everyone has too much respect to mention or speak of the dying Love burning externally in plain sight.


It is not a feeling I feel the ones capable of love deserve, not ever. I do not feel people have given my Love a chance, I mean, that is what I have to offer but it is not enough. I have given money, many material items including designer fashion items not because I want their love or attention but for the sake of Love and my Love for them. I gave it without expecting, it puts a smile on my face to see those I love happy. I am dying, if I do not go out for a day and just stay at home I immediately begin to feel suicidal ideation. I begin pacing, cleaning, lots of cleaning, it distracts me, not so much the pacing. Thoughts, thoughts cannot be thought, must keep cleaning, do the laundry, one…two…three times, even three times in a row, even if it is clean, clean can never be clean enough. The pacing starts becoming excruciating, I begin to not know what to do but freeze and become completely paralyzed.


 What is wrong with me. I do not ever feel like this towards anyone, I am too much of a jerk and cold to be caring, so much to the point that I long for his closeness. But I hate him, I really do. Such hate that the night watchers perpertrate and initiate that part of destruction towards this person. So cold, so emotionless, expressionless…….only at night this happens. It is a twisted polar paradigm that comes out of the shadows from my subconciouncous at all hours of the night, keeping me up so long to the point I pass out without remembering. I wake up in the most akward position, on top of my pillows, blankets all over the floor, cell phone in my hand not remembering how I fell asleep and why all those blankets are all over the floor.


Each day becomes darker, the embedded subconscious thoughts from nighttime are becoming clearer and clearer each day. Causing me to become a monster, causing that Villain to come out of me again, only this time it is stronger. I do not plan things, they just happen. My  parents got the one two punch of the day, I barred them 6 feet underground. The villain triumphed, I was protected from either being killed by my father or ending up in the Looney Bin. The Night watchers fell into my lap and I was 85 pounds, not eating, locked up in my room like a lion in a cage, no heat, no internet to make money from my online business just out of being a petty sadist that my “caregiver” alcoholic father is.


“ITS ALL ABOUT CONTROL.” The screaming kept on going, the sick feeling in my stomach, my instincts felt if I was not to leave I would be dead. FATALITY. Weird imagery, symbols, and madness struck me. I mean Deprivation has many psychological and psychical effects.


.For one, my body was starving. With my broken jaw and all, I mean, it was difficult to chew or eat, I was hungry but I did not feel it. A lion in a cage will not eat, they sit still. My room consisted of a twin sized cherry wood framed sleigh bed, a night stand, a closet, a window, and a door.


I do not remeber what had taken over me or remember what got me up in the middle of the night to sneak out and run away. I packed two bags, the essentials, without thinking. it was as if I was not the one packing, it felt almost this enforced survival perpertrated energy emitting in my room. I had to be very quiet, I could not wake up the entities, one male, one female (hybrid). I will explain the hybrid notion, do not worry, just keep reading, it gets better for you, not so much for me.



I put their house key on top of the kitchen table because I knew the minute I walked out of that door in the freezing -40 degree winter blizzard they would me to give the house key back. They think I am always joking when all of a sudden I pull a Rambo on them.


F%$k you B$#&es!! I win!!!! As Always!


I heard the two entities get up, I opened the door to the gates of darkness, there was no turning back. I realized, I rather enter the darkness as opposed to being in hell for eternity. It was not even a difficult choice, the blizzard was a joke compared to the way I had been treated, the domestic abuse, the isolation, the control, the verbal abuse, the choking, the madness. Those are not parents, why would I deprive my own self dignity and respect to people who spit on me, that is not love, it is pure evil.


They come up to the door I was already past the driveway down the block, I did not look behind but I heard these words I will never forget. “Look Diana is walking with no proper clothing for this ice cold weather, oh who does she think she is, poor baby, look at her, poor baby.” Those words came out of my “Mothers” mouth, how kind. Both of them laughing at me, mockingly. All I had was my dignity, my strengh, God, and myself. “Keep walking” the angel said to me, I still did not look back  I just kept walking, keep going feet was all I could think, I did not even feel the piercing ice cold attack on my lungs, I knew I could not breath. “Keep going feet, do not stop, you are not going to stop, feet keep moving forward.” I heard them both still laughing at me, mocking….those famous last words my father said, “Do not worry, she will be back right away…” If I could have laughed in that moment I would have, my focus was primarily on keeping those feet moving. No money, no food, no shelter, feet keep moving. My phone rang, it was my best friend.


“Diana, how are you, what’s up?”….I paused for a second the words all came out suddenly. “Oh, just walking, I left my parents house, I am sick of them, I have two bags packed, I have had enough, either I die or I get put in the mental hospital.” There was a long pause, he knew exactly what was going on, he knew exactly the way my parents were, he knew I did not deserve the way they treated me, he knew me very well.


“Are you okay..?” I heard the stuttering and disbelief in his voice, so concerned and there I was walking with two bags, completely numb,not caring what was to occur because I just escaped hell. That question struck me in a predominat way, it was foreign, I did not have an answer in my heart. I hesitated. “I am almost at the MacDonalds by your house, I know you are at the bar, I will get a hotel or something, I can talk my way out of anything.”\


It was as if I had that warrior still in me but deserved to now be healed from the battle I had faced, and be rewarded. “No Diana, you are coming with me. You are staying at my place ok, you do not deserve what they have done to you. I cannot believe you are walking in the middle of the night to the McDonalds near my house, you can no longer do anything, you are strong man, holy s%$t, let me cab it to you, stay at the McDonalds and we will cab it to my place, please stay there until I am there.”


Despite me feeling so numb, I still felt the light and saw the light from the darkness. I smiled, with great gratitude I said, “Thank you, God bless you, I appreciate this so much, I love you.”

“Your welcome Diana, I love you to.”



That Dark night was the darkest night of my life, you see, I still found the light.




Life, Tragic Love


∏∇♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ LOVE♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥NOIR ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥HEARTBREAK ASYLUM♥♥♥♥♥TRAGIC




φπΨ∞‰∅- For all those suffering the Tragic Death of Love, you are a brave soul. For those lost in it, be thankful because….when it….. is….. gone………it….is…………



My deepest Blog Post, now people really get to know Miss D. Even all the 
haters that come along with it. For all those who cost my energy pain, let me embrace you, I got a lot for you to talk about now. 
I had to say that, there are really rude, senseless people whom cannot wait for my fall in Death, seriously....I am not joking. 
Think about it this way...if I was such a happy girl, I would not be a 
writer, I would not be able to sing, I would not be able to paint, I would
not be able to write music THAT HAS BEEN STOLEN FROM ME (oh, believe me I will get to that, don't you worry), I would not be blessed with talent, 
I would not be ART. For every blessing you have there is a curse,
the bigger the blessing the greater the curse, my point in theory.

Now,how does one feel when both love and your Art were taken away?


I get this knotted feeling in my stomach, it does not go away. I do not 
talk about it with anyone because last time I did, I spoke to 
someone whom does not appreciate art (useless), they did not
comprehend. I will not denounce them, I figured D, calm down
WRITE ABOUT IT. So, I got told, I actually listened, and 
my muse, once right.
Moving along now. 

  I am left without my BLACK BOOK, the second album I wrote as well
as the very first. How tragic, yes, even more so....broken. From head
to toe, broken. I feel lost in this mixed fairytale of my much
beautiful art pieces, all in a big castle I see a big broken room, 
and look out the window and see a broken down gate that was once
sealed, locked, so tightly shut, now...opened with ease. My god.
I weep, all hours of the day, all hours of the night, in my dreams,
in my nightmares, god, what hath he done to me??? 

What he hath done to me, cometh the day thy will regret unto thee.

I am not joking, this is not a game. I feel devastated. 
I did not know the feeling of shock could last this long.
I cannot breath, it is as though my every breath I take 
is more difficult, more painful, more agonizing..
A riddler, a fake, A LIE, a loser.
You did this to me.
I rather he killed me holding my Beautiful Black Book,
The prestige sonnets, the immaclulate poetry, the 
prospering art felt passages of my truth, my passages
as my referances of memories I must remember
due to my brain injuries after my near death experience 
after my car accident in April of 2012, I should have 
died holding it in my arms as I once did after 
I did on April 20, 2012. 
I felt death all over me on that sinister day, the 
paramedics asked me on that tragic day, "Is there anything out of
your vehicle you need, which, due to the impact will be seized 
it is no longer drivable." 
I remember my chest feeling too tight to breath but had 
just enough retraction and energy to mutter, "Black....
book." I put my hands to my chest as if I was already holding it, my eyes, wide but dead. "Umm, a black book, is there a friend or someone 
you know that can come and get it?" I instantly grabbed
the paramedics own cell phone and dialled my loyal friend. 
I handed back the phone quickly to the paramedic, "Two minutes."
I gestured. The paramedic looked at me and just did not know how to handle this girl who he knew survived the drastic car accident but had died 
on the inside. Horrified he responded, "Is there anything else we should 
tell your friend to get out of your vehicle, I mean....." 
"NOOOO...just the book is all." He was making me angry because
he was asking me to describe something I knew my friend knew
exactly what it was I needed and what it meant.
In two minutes my friend came, the paramedic with his latex gloves on
starts walking up inside the ambulance I quickly get up and snatch it out
of his hands, and clenched it so tightly to my heart. 
The Paramedic did not say a word on the way to the hospital, he knew
better. He felt how much it meant to me, but did not understand why.
That struck him, made him think, observe, to try and understand that 
no matter who came into my reach would have to kill me before snatching
the Black Book I held in my arms, clenched to my heart, protected.

Now it is 2016, I did not lose the book, IT WAS STOLEN. 
It is 2016 and I died on April 20, 2012 but have come back to life 
for someone whom I lost. 
Only this one person whom I have lost can hold it and give me 
back this book however, the person whom has stolen it cannot...
NOW, you tell me, what is one supposed to do. This is too much for me.
I cannot write anymore, my insanity is kicking in, just note...
THIS IS NOT the end.


Life, Music


Ω       PERFECT      


Why has everything so far been a recollection and sequence of events persisting to that of major significance. I thought I had gotten over this monster that eats inside me, I am older but feel younger. I am not speaking on behalf of maturity. I even look younger, I pertained innocence in this melicious world, I am not turned on by greed and deceit.

My wisdom and knowledge have grasped the multitudes of this world that  I apparently came from.

You may not believe me when I say this but I am fucking ugly, I feel it, I look it, I am it. When someone tells me I am pretty I feel as though they are confining me of mockery.

My looks are over drawn or mildly vague. I look at myself in the mirror and I am hard on my own eyes. Go ahead and laugh, it is how I feel.

I look at myself in the mirror and see this girl who once felt beautiful, who knew she was beautiful. 


The person that now looks at me in shame, she calls me a fat bitch and to lose weight. “Lose weight you dumb bitch, how do you expect to be in the industry with rolls like that, ewww.”

Thats when I start to panic, I have lived my life in a solitary state anyways, I confine myself to multi-faceted delusional alter states of mind  to feel right.


The binging, the purging, the sickness you can see through my eyes, my broken jaw, my unexplained fascination for a male role model living on edge the way I have always envisioned in my seamless corrupted mind. I have become a monster. I am a monster. I do not stop until I obtain that goal. It does not matter how much pain, how malnourished, how much binging, how much denotation of myself. It is the horrifying yet systematically glorified moment, when you achieve those results you have been dying to aim for, that 30 seconds in heaven.


The 30 seconds is suddenly up and you swear you see a bit of a roll on that little dress you worked months and months and months to fit in.



Then you go out to the event and you think you look great I mean everyone is staring and then you see that girl who is just 10 pounds lighter than you maybe even a bit shorter. It is not envy you feel, in fact, your proud of her, you respect the fact that she was able to achieve just those 10 pounds less than you and she still has it together even though we catch eye to eye, I glimpse at her, she glimpses at me and nods.


“Its not easy.” she nods the gesture, she is with her boyfriend and still maintains a solid smile even though she is dying on the inside. Her boyfriend is ignoring her, on the phone consistently coming in and out of the lounge, ahh….illegal it is, his profession I mean.


She looks so perfect though still as she watches her boyfriend slipping away further and further, in and out he comes. She greets, she smiles, still with immaculate composure.


Now I came solo but I was part of the event but because she was so perfect it was fascinating watching her greet and smile, her beautiful Jovani Dress her boyfriend bought her because he thought buying her the dress was a justification going back and forth to deal cocaine. Money, power, greed, and they all come with those same girls, ever so perfect. Majority of them, strongest women you will ever encounter, not using their own boyfriends for drugs, too perfect to do that. They love the drug dealer boyfriend for who he is, but they want the trophy to.

Harness Boudior Accessory FYI by Danid Read StyleOnTheCouch undewear Outerwear Bondage Fetish Accessory


He comes back and looks happy, cheery, and starts putting his arm around his girlfriend and kisses her. It looked too perfect, the photographer who was there caught that moment because it was her only moment she felt like she could maybe shine. Her boyfriend was high, I could tell. He needed his status card freeway to feel masculine and dominant, here he has a beautiful girl that had never been loved, he starts to buy drinks for everyone, his on a roll. Even though the beautiful girl doesn’t drink he asks everyone there, even me, as he asks me he gives me this look. I quickly turn my head away, “No, thank you.”


Still staring at me he speaks to the bartender and I see him come to me with a drink. His girlfriend suddenly went from perfect to shattered, not out of jealousy, out of pure humiliation and shame. If she couldn’t even be good enough for someone she had accepted for who he was then how could she ever except herself. The look of embezzlement on her face, I felt the pain, I felt her heart shatter, no tears, just that look of numbness like its happened before, why should I be shocked or expect anything else.


Even if she was to say something to him which she was too perfect to do something like that, he would call her clingy and obsessive. She had this look of defeat. “Here, please have a drink, I am not leaving you out.”

I got very angry, I wanted to psychically hurt him, “Fuck you ugly asshole, instead of asking every scumbag just like yourself in this lounge, why haven’t you given a drink to the only attractive person in this place which is your girlfriend, let alone some attention. I don’t drink and I don’t accept anything from bums, fuck off, leave me alone you creep.”


Everything went silent, I didn’t care, it made me very angry.

He looked at me bewildered and confused.

“Are you retarded, when I say leave me alone, I meant walk away. Do not dare some close to me fucking bitch.”


His girlfriend broke, started running away. She didnt want the public to see her dilemma, she did not want people to know that he was cheating on her, he was a liar, he just cared about status, money, power, would leave her stranded to go and hang out with his buddies and get high, sell and go to the strippers and would buy a lap dance but would make excuses that he did not have enough money to take her out. This was the only day he finally did, I shot and rained on her every so unrealistic but close to a moment where she maybe felt a bit special.


Everyone just stared at me confused, wide-eyed, I was disgusted. I shoved the boyfriend and ran after this girl, I wanted to help her. It was okay if she cried in front of me, she needed someone to tell her that she was amazing and just her presence alone, as she walks into any room, event, party she would bring it to life, made heads turn.


I ran to the where she was headed, the women s room. I saw her just staring at herself in the mirror, no tears, no emotion. I was about to cry out everything I felt and saw that was beautiful and immaculate about her until I came out of dissociation and also came back to something I still fathom presently, reality. I looked at myself in the mirror, thinking, “At least I look perfect.”


Tearless yet wrecked and relentlessly damaged two girls came in stared, even though they knew I was just 10-15 pounds lighter then them maybe just a bit shorter, they had that look. Even though they kept laughing in the stalls about how skinny they thought I was, when they thought I left the the restroom I overheard them say, “Fuck, I wish I was that fucking skinny, did you see that dress. Its JOVANI, I saw her with this tall good looking guy I think that is her boyfriend cause they kissed right and fuck I would kill to be able to fit in that dress. You know how tiny she is?”


The girl in the next stall sighed, “Yeah, I am like 3 of her. I remember when I was skinny, not that skinny but you know…average, I wish I had a boyfriend with me and I was wearing a JOVANI Dress, her dress looks so fucking expensive.”

Her friend laughed. “Uhh, that’s an $8000 dress, you don’t know JOVANI you bitch.”

Her friend was silent for a moment, “Not really, I mean Im not lucky enough to have a rich ass boyfriend who buys me everything, spoils me, and I can just eat whatever I want and not gain a pound I mean look at her, shes like anorexic looking.”

Her friend started giggling, “Oh my god she must do coke that’s why, the coke diet I mean she didn’t even have a drink, that her boyfriend was buying everyone drinks and she didn’t want it. She must starve herself and does a bunch of his coke, duh.”


They were giggling, each retort of me that much more glorified then the next, “You think they even fuck, she must fuck him a lot so she can bum coke off him, that is the only way because they arent even going out.”

They started laughing hysterically, “Ok, I haven’t told you this but I was having a smoke outside and her “boyfriend” comes up to me and asks for my number, I said okay, kinda creepy but his good looking none the less. His like Babe you do party favours, I said sometimes, now his texting me babe what you doing tonight, lets hang out, I find you fucking sexy. I said what about your girlfriend, he said what girlfriend, oh that “thing” isn’t my girlfriend.”



“Wow, what a fucking loser. That is so funny, I kinda feel bad for her…well, no not really. Shes skinny so, something to hate on, I would feel bad if she wasnt. Shes you know almost……like…to….shes too perfect.”

“I agree and shes just that “type” you know, the miss good girl next door, perfect face, hair, body, probably in college studying getting good marks, kinda boring they usually are. But holy shes tiny that dress looks AMAZING on her, “perfect.”


I wasn’t shocked in fact I felt relieved, I stayed near the women’s rest rooms, they had no idea I was listening the whole time. It was the perfect moment to let out the beast that knew how to touch that hot button leaving those deranged, wounded, and teaching them a life lesson. They were speed walking and immediately saw me, they were in shock. I stared back, emotionless.


I smiled that sinister sadist smile, “You both are fat fucking bitches that come to every bar in the city to just get some guy to lie to you and tell you that your pretty, when in reality your easy, you put out, and your vagina is so filthy and saggy you infested whores.”


“Ok listen, what did we do wrong to you?” The one who was brave enough to even speak was the one of course who wasn’t text messaging the boyfriend.

“Nothing, and that is exactly what BOTH OF YOU are going to do, listen you fat bitch.”

I immediately gazed over at the fatty, with glaring eyes, emotionless yet dark, my blood was rushing, the fear coming out of her just fed into my rage that much more.

“He fucks with girls heads just like yours, targets the fat ones who are morbidly obese, which would of course be you just to get a rise and I dared him to do that to you. We get a thrill of the fatty and trash that come infested with STD’s lurking all over the city because we got class, your ugly, your fat, answer me this, YOU ACTUALLY THINK FOR A SECOND YOU WOULD GET SOMETHING OUT OF HIM, REALLY, A FAT BITCH LIKE YOU?”

Her friend started shaking and tears immediately swept across the overweight girls face, showed no mercy, “ANSWER ME YOU FAT BITCH, DO I NEED TO FEED YOU CHEETOS TO GET AN ANSWER OUT OF YOU, DUMB FUCKING FAT WHORE.”


My rage was about ready for blackout, I thought I need to lock myself in a room, I am going to hurt her, I will hurt her. Oh god, its coming its coming, I am going to pyschially hurt her I cant, I cant…….



She was right, he did call her babe, told this fatty she was beautiful.


“I DON’T NEED YOU  TO DO IT IN FRONT OF ME I CANT STAND EVEN BEING NEAR FAT, YOUR HARD ON MY EYES, YOU KNOW THE REPERCUSSIONS IF YOU EVEN TRY, GO AHEAD TELL THE FEDS. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. You don’t know who you are fucking with you fat bitch.” I started laughing hysterically, they both ran out of the lounge. I fell to the floor, weak and pull of pain, it rained and poured all over my body.

Little did they know I was acting and putting on a show to mask those million shattered pieces hidden in that big net of no self love, no love at all.


This wasnt new so I just pretended like I had no idea, I cannot show emotion, I must remain composure. Crying Is for the weak. I saw a slight rip near the side of my dress, my hip region. Now who is the fat fuck, I immediately started to panic but wait, I could control this. I grabbed my purse and popped more then what was recommended. I hadnt really eaten so I went back to the restroom to freshen myself up, conceal my wounds in losing myself in the mirror. The illusion was much more interesting, in 5 min immediately everything began to wash away. A group of girls came in stared at me just as though they were lost, mesmerized, and fascinated by the perfection of the makeup, the look, the dress, the hair. “Wow, nice dress. You look fucking awesome. Your so freaking tiny, I wish I could fit in that dress.” I acted modest and shy, smiling, “Oh, thank you, but honestly don’t wish that because I just found out that it was so tight on me, I mean look at this hole!” I don’t know how I always found ways to seem so innocent, modest, shy, simple, so kind, It was pity for them.


“Oh no girl, let me see.” She did not grab the material or anything because she knew it was of value and she had somewhat respect for me. “Oh its a quick fix your too tiny to have caused a whole in it, have you looked closely, look in the mirror, you’ll see what I mean.”


I was so distracted by my own appearance I didnt even look at the severity of how big the hole was, I felt like it might have been weight gain but the moment I looked I was in shock. “Girl, your hipbone is sticking out, you have a scratch, must have bumped into something sharp as you were running towards the ladies room, you sure your okay?”


I couldnt believe everyone saw and heard everything that went on, my hear sunk. I could barely swallow the words could barely come out of my mouth I somehow remained composure, I smiled what projected so effortlessly “Yes, I am fine, I just get massive panic attacks, repricoussions from a really bad car crash I was in this Spring and I am telling you, this happens all the time, at the most random places, I mean I was at this thrift store the other day, and cause I am so cheap I saw the best deals, I was about to pay for my stuff and I ran out of the store to my cousins vehicle panting breathing so heavily, he had to give hand him the money, blah blah blah,………”

“You poor thing, hey my aunt got into a bad accident lots of trauma, but geez not near death experience like yours I just wanna give you a hug girl.” Without even thinking about how expensive the dress was and my story, the girl and her friends all came at me trying to hug me, I resisted and it was too foreign for me. “Sorry…i uhhh im frantic right now and feel overwhelmed I need to take my anti anxiety I am so sorry I gotta go.”

“Oh my sorry girl, you go and do that we are here for you if you need anything okay?”

I didnt reply to them, no need for that, my anxiety was unbearable, everything and everyone was moving all too fast. The fix kicked in and I needed my anti anxiety so I took it out of the bag quickly and popped it before I had to deal with my next battle, I popped it feeling an instant flow of edging off release, the feeling of overbearing thoughts flush down not too quickly, and too slow. The cooling feeling I felt in my chest and I walked up the stairs, just as I had thought, there he was. The look on his face as my death wish laid upon me. I acted as though nothing happened, postured myself with poise and non authentic striking confidence, I had this elegance in my stance, the way I walked, I gave him that smile of resilience. The smile that washes everything away, he was about to say something I stopped him without saying a word, just a look. I knew, he knew, we both knew that every single guy was staring at me wishing they were him, every girl had that glare hating their boyfriends or their targets to get lucky with just staring at me, “starstruck”.


He could not say anything from that point because its what we both loved, the status, the attention, it was a turn on at the fact of the matter of the whole aspect of the entitlement. There was no attraction ever in those vain moments. Very very vain. He was high and money thrilled, I was thrilled that he craved the power and even better, I won his time. like a gentlemen, he reached for my hand, held it, the warmth of his hand and that look that he was so proud I was his, it didn’t matter to me if I was a trophy, I had that 30 seconds of heaven I had craved,walking out as if on the runway with that bold striking look on my face when I had felt like 30 seconds of rush, it half smile half emotionless, a tease, that killer walk, every head turning, My moment of glory as I walked out the moment I was outside I felt that emptiness, I did noy feel so pretty no more. Never once did he tell me how good I looked in that dress, his phone rang, the usual, “Yeah, yeah im just leaving this stupid fucking place now ill be there in 15 min.”Turning on the ignition we left and he went back to his usual normal self angry, coming down needing more otherwise I could be ruined.


He looked at me as though kind of starting. Was he going to say it I lit up. He quickly looked away as if caught, “Dont ever bring me to these places again ok, you know I don’t like it.” I gave him that smile, he couldn’t help but smile back took my hand and kissed it, “You look beautiful babe, you look fucking sexy, I cant wait to take that dress of you, not sure which way you look better.” I pulled off that smile so well with the hurt inside, “Thank you, your the one with the good taste.” I was not turned on at all by him, I was disgusted. He had no idea, just how perverse he was acting towards me,The fact that he could not resist me because of liking me since childhood and 10 years later finally being able to have me, he could not give it up, I was the only one that could convince him anything.

“Well your the only one that could fit in such a dress, fat girls would be so envious of you in it wishing they were you. I am the luckiest guy.”

He held my hand, he was either too high or his ego was that inflatted to sense the coldness and empitiness, the resenemnt I felt towards him. This wasnt the first time, I knew this yet I still kept composure. I even tested the waters because even though he was stingy I did not want to face another hell HOME, and I was willing to do anything to avoid it. My parents hated me more then abyone in this world. There was more bullying at home then any lounge, event or even school I attended. I convinced him to stay at a hotel and would split, he was whining and bitching then agreed, I knew he would.

He tried to come on to me  so I pretended to fall asleep, I knew he was itching but it didn’t matter cause little did he know, I took scissors to that dress and massacred it, just like he did with my heart, just like everyone else did.

Ah, I thought, away from home, my revenge, my rage, I got my way. My eyes began to get heavy I knew I was sleeping to slumber to worries, I did it, perfect.

My wish was to dream of the one he hated the most because it was one that I let go and felt anything for, the only thing that gave me the incentive to go to sleep to dream of him .Didn’t matter what type of dream it was as long as he was there and not this person laying by my side.


Perfection was the only thing I felt like I could control about myself, but where was the love?


I laid my head to rest and my eyes fell with ease, the feeling of him being in my dreams that night was the closest thing to love, if we were once again embracing each other, that look that he would give me, the look of admiration and appreciation of beauty, I felt beautiful around him, only him.

It was the dissociation of paradise for I no longer had to be perfect for he gave me what know one else in this world could and could ever offer……love. A dream slowly started creeping over me, peace,


Life, Music


GR-alRpuySy8ApZv_nc02nRTXdO3EC0IYPFdsNJo9Hknice_4-t2“You have to learn the rules of the game. And than you have to play better then anyone else”

                                                                                     -Albert Einstein

I like being judged by others, that is something know one really knows, I know once I explain you will understand. You guys are the one that really do understand. I am blessed to have followers, even one and at one point I believe that was the case. It means my love to you, people that take the time to read my inner most private convictions, my feelings, my battles, my good/evil, and most importantly, my truth. I still do not understand how to use this website that well but I reached you, the universal law has once again proved itself. I thank you and I am blessed for your active listening, the more I write or publish, the more engaged you seem, the braver I become to share with you the things I need others to know….including YOU!


Moving along,