IF LOVE HAD LOGIC, GOD WOULD NOT SEIZE TO EXIST, IF LOGIC WAS LOVE, WE WOULD BE DECEASED.
LOVE HURTS IN A NON ABRASIVE WAY, IT KEEPS YOUR HEART GOING WHEN THE WORLD KEEPS ON STILL GOING. LOVE SEIZES TO EXIST ONLY THOSE WITH HEARTS OF GOLD AND THE FREE MEN LOOK AT THE SUN FOR PROTECTION. THE SUN DOES NOT KEEP ONE ALIVE DUE TO THE LIGHT, YOUR HEART OPENS YOUR INNER LIGHT AND SHINES MUCH MORE BRIGHTER. WE ALL DESERVE TO LOVE EVEN WHEN WE DO NOT FEEL LOVED. DEATH IS THE ULTIMATE WISH UPON THOSE WHO CANNOT CARRY THEIR HEART OUT OF THE MIND, FREE YOUR MIND, LISTEN TO YOUR HEART BECAUSE ONE DAY IT CAN STOP BEATING.
∇ Embrace.The.Chaos. ∏
∇ Pain. The feeling of Love and Hope, embracing the fall. My death wish is sentenced by the inability of the inevitable shattered glass heart I may perpetuate. ∅
“Automatic Suicide”—> You die beneath the surface of all the people whom once seemed familiar, they become dead to you. There is a part of you that is there, the other is not coming back, everyone knows….everyone has too much respect to mention or speak of the dying Love burning externally in plain sight.
It is not a feeling I feel the ones capable of love deserve, not ever. I do not feel people have given my Love a chance, I mean, that is what I have to offer but it is not enough. I have given money, many material items including designer fashion items not because I want their love or attention but for the sake of Love and my Love for them. I gave it without expecting, it puts a smile on my face to see those I love happy. I am dying, if I do not go out for a day and just stay at home I immediately begin to feel suicidal ideation. I begin pacing, cleaning, lots of cleaning, it distracts me, not so much the pacing. Thoughts, thoughts cannot be thought, must keep cleaning, do the laundry, one…two…three times, even three times in a row, even if it is clean, clean can never be clean enough. The pacing starts becoming excruciating, I begin to not know what to do but freeze and become completely paralyzed.
What is wrong with me. I do not ever feel like this towards anyone, I am too much of a jerk and cold to be caring, so much to the point that I long for his closeness. But I hate him, I really do. Such hate that the night watchers perpertrate and initiate that part of destruction towards this person. So cold, so emotionless, expressionless…….only at night this happens. It is a twisted polar paradigm that comes out of the shadows from my subconciouncous at all hours of the night, keeping me up so long to the point I pass out without remembering. I wake up in the most akward position, on top of my pillows, blankets all over the floor, cell phone in my hand not remembering how I fell asleep and why all those blankets are all over the floor.
Each day becomes darker, the embedded subconscious thoughts from nighttime are becoming clearer and clearer each day. Causing me to become a monster, causing that Villain to come out of me again, only this time it is stronger. I do not plan things, they just happen. My parents got the one two punch of the day, I barred them 6 feet underground. The villain triumphed, I was protected from either being killed by my father or ending up in the Looney Bin. The Night watchers fell into my lap and I was 85 pounds, not eating, locked up in my room like a lion in a cage, no heat, no internet to make money from my online business just out of being a petty sadist that my “caregiver” alcoholic father is.
“ITS ALL ABOUT CONTROL.” The screaming kept on going, the sick feeling in my stomach, my instincts felt if I was not to leave I would be dead. FATALITY. Weird imagery, symbols, and madness struck me. I mean Deprivation has many psychological and psychical effects.
.For one, my body was starving. With my broken jaw and all, I mean, it was difficult to chew or eat, I was hungry but I did not feel it. A lion in a cage will not eat, they sit still. My room consisted of a twin sized cherry wood framed sleigh bed, a night stand, a closet, a window, and a door.
I do not remeber what had taken over me or remember what got me up in the middle of the night to sneak out and run away. I packed two bags, the essentials, without thinking. it was as if I was not the one packing, it felt almost this enforced survival perpertrated energy emitting in my room. I had to be very quiet, I could not wake up the entities, one male, one female (hybrid). I will explain the hybrid notion, do not worry, just keep reading, it gets better for you, not so much for me.
I put their house key on top of the kitchen table because I knew the minute I walked out of that door in the freezing -40 degree winter blizzard they would me to give the house key back. They think I am always joking when all of a sudden I pull a Rambo on them.
I heard the two entities get up, I opened the door to the gates of darkness, there was no turning back. I realized, I rather enter the darkness as opposed to being in hell for eternity. It was not even a difficult choice, the blizzard was a joke compared to the way I had been treated, the domestic abuse, the isolation, the control, the verbal abuse, the choking, the madness. Those are not parents, why would I deprive my own self dignity and respect to people who spit on me, that is not love, it is pure evil.
They come up to the door I was already past the driveway down the block, I did not look behind but I heard these words I will never forget. “Look Diana is walking with no proper clothing for this ice cold weather, oh who does she think she is, poor baby, look at her, poor baby.” Those words came out of my “Mothers” mouth, how kind. Both of them laughing at me, mockingly. All I had was my dignity, my strengh, God, and myself. “Keep walking” the angel said to me, I still did not look back I just kept walking, keep going feet was all I could think, I did not even feel the piercing ice cold attack on my lungs, I knew I could not breath. “Keep going feet, do not stop, you are not going to stop, feet keep moving forward.” I heard them both still laughing at me, mocking….those famous last words my father said, “Do not worry, she will be back right away…” If I could have laughed in that moment I would have, my focus was primarily on keeping those feet moving. No money, no food, no shelter, feet keep moving. My phone rang, it was my best friend.
“Diana, how are you, what’s up?”….I paused for a second the words all came out suddenly. “Oh, just walking, I left my parents house, I am sick of them, I have two bags packed, I have had enough, either I die or I get put in the mental hospital.” There was a long pause, he knew exactly what was going on, he knew exactly the way my parents were, he knew I did not deserve the way they treated me, he knew me very well.
“Are you okay..?” I heard the stuttering and disbelief in his voice, so concerned and there I was walking with two bags, completely numb,not caring what was to occur because I just escaped hell. That question struck me in a predominat way, it was foreign, I did not have an answer in my heart. I hesitated. “I am almost at the MacDonalds by your house, I know you are at the bar, I will get a hotel or something, I can talk my way out of anything.”\
It was as if I had that warrior still in me but deserved to now be healed from the battle I had faced, and be rewarded. “No Diana, you are coming with me. You are staying at my place ok, you do not deserve what they have done to you. I cannot believe you are walking in the middle of the night to the McDonalds near my house, you can no longer do anything, you are strong man, holy s%$t, let me cab it to you, stay at the McDonalds and we will cab it to my place, please stay there until I am there.”
Despite me feeling so numb, I still felt the light and saw the light from the darkness. I smiled, with great gratitude I said, “Thank you, God bless you, I appreciate this so much, I love you.”
“Your welcome Diana, I love you to.”
That Dark night was the darkest night of my life, you see, I still found the light.